The First Lesson I Learned

I regret being the mom my children had to grow up with, teetering between anger and depression all the time, especially for David who took the brunt of it. I have asked his forgiveness many times when overcome with guilt looking back. He learned what not to do – one of the pluses of my insanity.

If not depressed and down I was a time bomb on the verge of exploding. When I say that anger and depression go hand-in-hand, I lived it. On a dime, one could turn into the other, without a moment's notice.

Like the night Phil had to pull me off of David in the hallway because I was so angry when he was approximately three years old. I don't even remember now why.

Like the time I picked David up when he was two, throwing him into the couch, and the time I had to call Phil to come home from work because I feared what I might do.

My only form of discipline, coupled with yelling, was spanking which my dad had passed down to me.  My hand extended from his belt.

With each offense, the more I spanked, the more I yelled, and the angrier I got. I eventually had to forbid myself from yelling, to avoid escalation.

Add to my anger and depression my obsession with vomiting and you get a woman struggling with mental illness while appearing all together as she taught a Bible class.

The year David was born, Cindy Payne, our campus minister's wife at the time, suggested I teach the Tuesday morning ladies' class. Having taught as a teenager and in Northern Kentucky when Phil was in law school I willingly agreed, choosing the book "Full of Joy" which God knew I needed. I taught until I had the surgery, for three years.

After awakening from the surgery a different Teresa, I awoke to the fact I might be worshiping a false god. I felt I didn’t know the real one. 

I intensified my search for God by reading my Bible voraciously. Morning, noon, and night I read everything I could get my hands on about God and depression, like Max Lucado’s books God Came Near and No Wonder They Call Him the Savior, I read in one setting.

I started teaching again as soon as I could, regurgitating on Wednesday nights what I learned as I studied.

I wrote a series of lessons entitled He Has Made Me What I Am, words that resounded in my ears after hearing them sung on a Sunday morning in 1987 when Laura was three. 

“Glory be to him forever. Endless praises to Christ the lamb. He has filled my life with sunshine. He has made me what I am.” 

Having taught Full of Joy in 1984, singing these words now three years later, I felt like God was speaking directly to me, wanting to fill me with what I so desperately needed.

I've included the actual hand-out recommending to my class that they read at least one. The enormity and sincerity of my search are apparent.

I was becoming a true disciple of Jesus, a learner – one who sits at Jesus’ feet. In my going back and forth and back and forth to God feeling hopeless, he in reality was building my faith, exposing my soul to both him and me.

Time spent in the pit was God’s way of increasing my knowledge which inevitably would increase my faith.

My greatest desire when David and Laura were very young was to write. Because I searched for God, I wanted to share what I was learning with others. 

I was offended when our minister quipped back to me, “What do you think you have to offer?” when I shared my excitement with him about writing a book. Apparently, he and God knew the timing wasn't right and the wisdom I needed was beyond my years. What I am writing today is the book I wanted to write thirty years ago.

Instead of writing, God wanted me to speak.

My first speaking engagement was at the Green County Church of Christ on June 1, 1985, when Laura was just thirteen months old. The day's topic was She Has Done What She Could.

How ironic I was asked to speak on The Love of a Christian Mother when I viewed my children as intrusions more than gifts from God.

Rather than change a diaper, read The Little Engine That Could, throw the ball, hold and cuddle and pay attention, I preferred to write.

Surely God agreed that telling others about him, sharing the lessons I was learning, and putting them into print was superior to motherhood. Apparently not. I became frustrated because the doors shut that I wanted to be opened.

Doris Black, at the same ladies' day in Alabama where she said the phrase wondering in the wilderness, which described what I was doing, used 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 as the springboard for her three lessons:

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

I can still hear the sound of her voice when she explained, to Give thanks in all circumstances means that you thank God for your situation. Say, thank you, God, for my situation, whatever it is.”

I can also remember thinking, “Doris, you have to be kidding? You have no idea what my situation is -- what I’m going through right now.”

So I decided to put hers and Paul’s admonition to the test. I came home and started thanking God for my situation.

Thank you, God, for David, such a precious little boy.
Thank you, God, for Laura, such a precious little girl.
Thank you, God, for Phil, the best husband in the world.
Thank you, God, for Dot. How could I have survived without her?
Thank you, God, for home, a refuge in the time of storm.
Thank you, God, for everything.
Thank you, God, for my situation.

Previously I thought in no way could my situation be God’s will. But then my thoughts turned to Job. God, himself, suggested to Satan he tempts Job.

Max Lucado opened my eyes to the fact that God and Satan work together, hand-in-hand. I read his words in disbelief. Now I know they do. God cannot tempt but he can test. Satan can only tempt. They work simultaneously. But God always wins.

Nothing has ever happened to you that hasn’t first gone through God’s sieve of approval.

The storm you think is hindering your faith is actually building it. If he brings you to it, he will see you through it. His shoulders are big enough to carry you out. He will not let you go through more than you can bear. He knows exactly how much that is.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,” James tells us, “because you know that the testing of your faith” ultimately ends in maturity.

The insanity you may be going through right now is not in vain. Through adversity, God really does build your faith.

I had to keep going back to God and going back to God to get through the day. I had no idea that this was his stepping stone to ultimately plant my feet on the rock.

This was the first lesson I learned: to thank God for my situation.